Hi Friends,
I’ve been having a lot of conversations lately about the personal effects of the past 2 years. Discussions about coping strategies, how weird everything feels, and how there is no going back to the way things were. After the train wreck of 2020 I’ve been questioning how things actually were. Not one to shy away from a deep dive into my own psyche, I realized I did feel different, and moreover I knew I was different.
Covid sped up my learning and feeling curve. It has tested my adaptability and forced me to do a value evaluation — to be my own personal divining rod. It hasn’t been easy.
I’ve heard myself say, “I don’t recognize my life”. What I mean is that I no longer recognize the coping mechanisms I deployed before. The path isn’t clear now. My anxiety isn’t the immediate result of a difficult event or challenge as it has been in the past. When Covid hit NY and we were in lockdown it felt like suspended belief. Was this really happening? Then came the thought that I’m not alone (even though technically I was) and the reassuring feeling that we are all in this together. I was kind of loving it if I’m honest. I felt no pressure. I had to stay home, and I love being home, so it felt ok. It felt like we all just had to get through this and it would come to an end eventually. When things started to lighten up and “reopening” began it felt exciting, but I also still felt stuck. What had I done with that year of lockdown and time to myself? I worked (luckily) and I did home projects and cooked like crazy, but I just coasted. Now that we are able to walk around without a mask and go out, I still feel unmoored. The connections that used to feel strong feel flimsy. How do we keep our vibration up when we feel like we’re under a rock?
How do we quiet down all the noise and hear what our inner voice is telling us? What feels right? I feel like collectively we are being asked to figure out new pathways, not only in the workplace but in our closest relationships. I’m sure many of you have had these same questions, and THE big question is how do we deal with our fear. Everyone I talk to tells me they are anxious and it manifests in all kinds of ways from straight up panic to more subtle, harder to describe creeping feelings.
On a larger scale it feels like time is running out. Mother Nature is showing us her displeasure and the divide in our world is in sharp relief when we think of how to course correct. I never imagined I would actually write a sentence like that. It’s sobering. I started to look back on my past and amassed an overwhelming list of shoulda woulda coulda’s. A totally useless exercise by the way, and a beat down on my nervous system. So I focused my thoughts and questions on this: what does life looks like now? The great unknowable, that’s what! This seems to be the very thing that causes the anxiety! It’s also the truth and the only way through. So I sit with all of this - the changing world, the hatred and division, and I ask the Universe for a sign. And it’s in the quiet moments that the message becomes clear. Just try to love. Love yourself. Love your fellow humans no matter how much they test you. Say you’re sorry and mean it. Be vulnerable. Have humility. Be patient.
I always try to remind myself we are all just passengers and it’s up to us to decide how we want to travel through this life.
I was walking the other day on one of my many decompression exercises and Funkadelic came through my ear buds. This lyric really stood out:
“I once had a life, or rather, life had me
I was one among many, or at least, I seemed to be
Well, I read an old quotation in a book just yesterday
Said, “Gonna reap what you sow, the debts you make, you have to pay”
(Can you get to that?)
Oh yeah, I can certainly get to that!
Love,
Nancy jo
Love this. Keep reading and rereading!
Yes! Thanks for your honesty and for putting into words what so many of us are feeling.