I have a spotty history with meditation. I have tried all manner of techniques to stay consistent — a meditation teacher, silent retreat, apps, creating a shrine, or a personal place in my home to create my daily ritual. I just couldn’t stick with it and I beat myself up about it. Even the “just do it for 5 minutes” advice didn’t work. I have an overactive mind, like probably most of us do, and I knew If I could just slow it down, I could get into a groove that would hold. No matter how much I tried, I just couldn’t seem to master it. It wasn’t until I had a bit of a breakdown followed by the news of some health issues earlier this year that gave me the kick in the ass I needed.
I am embarrassed to admit that I was a long time smoker. Yes, healer dealer, the town crier of all things natural was a smoker! How on earth could I possibly preach about health and healing addicted to the most unhealthy habit? It’s the harsh truth, and I deployed every kind of rational to justify it: I hand rolled with ORGANIC tobacco, so I didn’t inhale the toxic chemical filters filled with formaldehyde and ammonia, I only smoked 5 per day on average, except of course when I was stressed or having a drink, at which time I added a few more. Plus we are living in a pandemic! I even had friends tell me I was being too hard on myself because I barely smoked compared to pack a day smokers. I could go days, and even weeks without needing one. So why not quit? I just thought well, I don’t really drink except for an occasional glass of wine or beer and smoking was my way to unwind at the end of the day (which is when I lit up, mostly). On top of that I also sprinkled in some weed. Again, just my end of the day unwind, or to settle in and watch a movie or a series in the evening. It became an everyday thing and without fail, I would wake up first in the morning and my overactive mind would start in with the self recrimination. It was a crutch. It was my way of hiding out and not dealing with my issues. Here’s the thing: I loved smoking. I really did. I even miss it, but do I feel better, HELL yes! Am I proud of myself for quitting cold turkey, you bet! Did I spiral into anxiety after I quit both rollies and weed? Yes, indeed!
This change has been a long time coming. I reread a journal entry from 2016 and the same self recrimination mantra was right there on the page. That kind of floored me enough to wake up and realize just quitting wasn’t enough. I knew I had to find a healthy replacement which led me back to meditation for real and also back to a daily yoga practice I had abandoned.
My new personal routine is to wake up around 6:00 AM (no alarm clock needed), drink a tall glass of water, pee, and meditate for 10-15 minutes every morning. I created a comfortable spot in my apartment with a folded blanket under my cushion facing west so the sun, when its out, hits my face. I made this commitment to myself not just for my health, but for my spirit and it has really helped me slow down. I still get distracted and allow outside noises that irritate me, but I stay put and get back to my breath.
I’ve tried a few different techniques to see what will most resonate with my natural rhythm. I like the 4 7 8 breath because it’s something I can follow and focus on, and focus get’s me out of my overactive thoughts.
Dr. Weil has a video for this technique that helps get you going.
1. Sit comfortably in a straight up position.
2. Place the tip of your tongue on the ridge of your gums, just under your front teeth.
3. Expand your diaphragm and slowly inhale through your nose for a count of four.
4. Hold your breath for another count of seven.
5. Open your mouth slightly and exhale for eight counts, drawing your diaphragm in.
6. Repeat this cycle four times in total.
If you want to do a deeper dive into Pranayama breathing, check out this site.
Side note: this post started out as a post about collaging, but my thoughts took me elsewhere… No judgement; no resistance; just going with the flow.
Love,
Nancy jo
Candor. So refreshing. I can so relate to smoker's guilt as well. We are what we are, we do what we do, we share, we grow.
You are brave sissy!